shenevermisses | 21st Throw

It's weird, realizing something you're used to is gone.

[And that could be taken wrong, so she's quick to add on:]

Not Cato. He's still here. And, I mean, so are the dreams. But they're not as bad. For either of us.

I realized it this morning.

I mean, it's not a big deal, and it's a good thing, but it's still weird. I'm so used to it now -- waking up in the middle of the night, going for a run, going into the woods. Or waking up because Cato's getting up for a walk.

I've gotten to the point where if he wakes me up? I can just roll over and go back to sleep. He does the same thing if I wake him up.

It's just... weird. Realizing we both slept the whole night last night.

[Portia had warned her before she went into the Games that if she came out, it'd be bad. That she'd be there, even if she had to kill Cato. That she could always come over if things were bad. Clove hadn't understood at the time, but she did now. And, sure enough, like Portia had promised, the effects got manageable after time. Especially with someone close by to make it better. She hadn't thought it would.]

It's getting better. I kind of figured it never would, actually.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[There's only one thing he can of that would cause any of these dreams. Those games she told him about. The ones where twenty four kids went in and only one came out. It made him sick when she told him and he honestly disliked her whenever she seemed to revel in the idea of killing on drafts.

His opinion of her hadn't gotten any better, but, he was in no way going to lash out at her like the last few times. They had argued enough and she had made it a point the last time that no one wanted him to preach. It'd just end badly for him.

He's not sure what makes him respond. This girl hated him. Hearing all of that though made him wonder if she was as really as cruel as he first thought she was.]

I'm glad it's gotten easier at least.

I've gotten used to it, I guess.

[It's not just that, and she knows it. But it's what she can say to him. After all, she doesn't like him. But... he's not trying to preach at her, so.

She'll be civil. For now.]

It just seems kind of sad that you have.

[Was that right? Yeah, sort of. But he feels like he needs to elaborate more. He bites his cheek in anxiousness thinking of what to say next.]

I mean, no one deserves to have to relive all that when they sleep, you know?

I'm alive to dream about them.

[Which is, really, all she can say. It's more than most of the Tributes, at least. Even if she's supposed to be dead, she's alive.

She's alive, 18 months longer than she's supposed to have been, and she's gotten married.

It's unreal.]

[He can only let out a nervous laugh to that. She had a really good point at that.]

Can't argue that. I just think now that you've got this second chance it should be more peaceful, y'know?

The quiet makes it worse. I can stand it now, at least, but it's still too quiet sometimes.

[It was easier to think -- or, rather, not to think -- when there was violence.]

Ah...uh...well I..hm...

[What could he even offer here? Not much probably.]

Suppose I can't really help with keeping your mind off that stuff. Or making things less worse, huh?

Suppose all I can say is it's good that you've got this second chance.

It's more than I should have had. So... I don't mind it.

[She's still not sure she's totally grateful for it. Because it's another chance to get hurt, but...

It's been an interesting year and a half, at least. Not all bad. Mostly not bad, actually.]

I don't think so. Everyone deserves a chance, no matter how big or small it is. So, it's good in a way. You can do stuff you couldn't before. That's something. I think.

[He's honestly sincere on all of it. Clove had made a good point to him awhile back. He was too judgmental. It earned scorn and hate from practically everybody.

Maybe that's why he felt he was trying so hard here not to slip up on his words. Say something that would set her off and just wind up into a shouting argument. But, he won't let it. The subject just seems too sad in his eyes to want to get angry.]

You're not supposed to have more time after you die.

[It isn't, for her, a case of "deserving" more time, though she understands his point. Doesn't agree. Because... well. She can be objective about the things she did in the Arena.

Few people would think anything in her life deserved any mercy.

But she shouldn't have had more time. Not after dying.]

But I've had a year and a half. It's made a difference.

[It doesn't always feel like a lot of difference, but sometimes it does.]

Some people might argue that. You know, like heaven and all that kind of afterlife stuff. Even if this technically isn't an afterlife.

[At the very least, he does sound happy with his next words.]

I'm glad that's the case.

We never had any talk of an afterlife in Panem.

In mine there was a lot of talk about it. Different opinions on it and all. But, usually the one everyone likes is that you go a place where you're happy forever. Or something like that.

If you do good things, right? I've heard about that since I've been here. And punishment for the people who do bad things.

They do say that. I don't really believe that, however. I think if people just did bad things they just get put somewhere else to make up for what they did. Eternal suffering is not somethin' anyone deserves, even if they are extremely evil.

...Some people deserve to suffer forever.

[She isn't sure if she counts. She might. But she can think of people worse than her.]

Aaaaaaand the impasse has been reached.

[He won't preach to her. She's made it plain that it'd be impossible.]

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