11th Throw - [ written ]

[shenevermisses]

[There are too many nightmares. Too many nights spent thrashing herself awake. Sometimes she fully wakes Cato, sometimes she just has to assure him she's okay before he fall back asleep. She's tried to run, she's tried to just go as far as she can, she's tried to roll over and go back to sleep. She can't ignore it, she can't escape it, she can't get over it.

So, late at night or early in the morning, she opens her journal.

She's tired but wide awake. It's a kind of exhaustion, really. She doesn't know how many people will see this, but she wants to ask.]

The Malnosso are always fighting their war, right? There's always battles and killing.

Is there any way to volunteer? To join them? I want to. There has to be a way, so I want to know.

As long as I'm fighting, I don't have nightmares.

[After about two hours, she'll strike out the entire last sentence. It's too private, too personal. It was stupid to ever write it, but at least it will be gone. Some of them have seen it, but she can deny it later. Sort of.]

Comments

voice:

[shenevermisses]

Because no one who doesn't like them hurts people? Then you're not going to be very effective, are you?

[She thinks of all the people on the draft. The ones who protected the infected draftees but let the cultists die or actively killed them. Intentional harm.

She thinks of what she knows about the Dark Days. The ones who rose against the Capitol and fought a bloody war for probably the same ideas he's talking about. Intentional harm.]

So. I shouldn't want to hurt anyone ever. I should just sit around and do nothing for either side. Because if you don't want to side with people who've intentionally hurt other people and who would do it again? You don't want me on your side.

I like it here. They've given me everything.

So. Yeah. I want to be on their side.

voice:

[alloys]

That isn't what I said.

[People got hurt all the time, and he knew as well as anyone that there were plenty who hated the Malnosso who had also hurt - killed - other people. But there was a difference.]

Sometimes you have to make that call. [But. When it was right to hurt someone was a whole other can of worms he didn't want to get into. Too personal.] War isn't the only answer. We have more options here than to fight with them or against them. Food for thought.

voice:

[shenevermisses]

I don't care about other options. I know what I want to do. I know what makes me feel useful.

voice:

[alloys]

We'll see how well that works out for you then, won't we.

voice:

[shenevermisses]

We will.