shenevermisses | 11th Throw

[There are too many nightmares. Too many nights spent thrashing herself awake. Sometimes she fully wakes Cato, sometimes she just has to assure him she's okay before he fall back asleep. She's tried to run, she's tried to just go as far as she can, she's tried to roll over and go back to sleep. She can't ignore it, she can't escape it, she can't get over it.

So, late at night or early in the morning, she opens her journal.

She's tired but wide awake. It's a kind of exhaustion, really. She doesn't know how many people will see this, but she wants to ask.]

The Malnosso are always fighting their war, right? There's always battles and killing.

Is there any way to volunteer? To join them? I want to. There has to be a way, so I want to know.

As long as I'm fighting, I don't have nightmares.

[After about two hours, she'll strike out the entire last sentence. It's too private, too personal. It was stupid to ever write it, but at least it will be gone. Some of them have seen it, but she can deny it later. Sort of.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

After they are dead, it does little good. We have to incapacitate the enemy in a way to ensure they are no longer a threat to others when we tag them. A blow to the head can be most effective for that.

The enemy can still be captured if killed, but there is more of a chance for failure. It comes down to who finds the revived person first then.

I'm not any good at incapacitating. I kill. Only way to be sure I'll survive.

[Which will be a very difficult mindset to break, she realizes. Because something left alive has another chance to kill her. And she doesn't give things second chances to kill her.

So, that leaves her possibly useless to the Malnosso, if they prefer their enemies left alive.]

A normal mindset for a soldier. Kill or be killed, we are all taught this. This is a war, however, where the enemy can come back to life like we can to fight again.

Being able to incapacitate an enemy is a skill that can be learned. Like you must have learned the places to hit to ensure death happens, there are places that ensure the enemy will not be able to act to do you harm. It can also be aided with tools such as rope to tie them up or drugs to cause hours of deep sleep.

[She doubts she'll be any good at it. She's too used to killing. She likes it too much.

But she'll do what she can.]

Good to know. I'll keep it in mind.

[It's as close as she'll get to "thanks."]

[It's not like he doesn't understand that. Leonhardt sure used to be a ruthless killer himself until he was taught how to deal with enemies in non-lethal ways.]

Then be careful and don't let others dissuade you if you wish for it. Only you can know what the best choice for yourself is and that takes learning both sides of things.

I think I tend to be pretty stubborn.

[...fine. She'll say it. He's earned it.]

Thank you.

[She'll find a way to repay the information later.]

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