shenevermisses | 11th Throw

[There are too many nightmares. Too many nights spent thrashing herself awake. Sometimes she fully wakes Cato, sometimes she just has to assure him she's okay before he fall back asleep. She's tried to run, she's tried to just go as far as she can, she's tried to roll over and go back to sleep. She can't ignore it, she can't escape it, she can't get over it.

So, late at night or early in the morning, she opens her journal.

She's tired but wide awake. It's a kind of exhaustion, really. She doesn't know how many people will see this, but she wants to ask.]

The Malnosso are always fighting their war, right? There's always battles and killing.

Is there any way to volunteer? To join them? I want to. There has to be a way, so I want to know.

As long as I'm fighting, I don't have nightmares.

[After about two hours, she'll strike out the entire last sentence. It's too private, too personal. It was stupid to ever write it, but at least it will be gone. Some of them have seen it, but she can deny it later. Sort of.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

They provide us food, shelter, clothing, weapons, training, and options when we go to fight. That's more than where I'm from offers.

Seems to me like the training is off the backs of whoever here wants to do it. Nothing that would hold people together in a battle.

And after the draft, can't say I'm impressed with their grasp of strategy and organisation. They just let people out to get slaughtered.

But if you like being cannon fodder...

We can ally, here. In the draft, we could fight together, actually form teams. Where I'm from? We're put into battle, and there's one survivor. There's no real allies, no real teams. You kill everyone else or you die.

Maybe you don't like it here or have problems with them. I don't. I like it here, and they let us fight together or stay behind the front lines. If you want to? Even if you get sent. You don't have to fight. I know there were people who didn't in the draft.

You try that in Panem? In the Hunger Games? Just makes you easy prey. You fight and you kill and you are the only one surviving or you die. That is what I know. So this? This is merciful. They give us more than a one-in-twenty-four chance.

It's different, when you're fighting in a war. You need a team. You need guidance, the voice in your ear telling you when to make the shot. That's what I have a problem with. They don't give a damn about the people fighting for them and it will get people killed needlessly.

If this is better for you, I'm not gonna try to stop you. Not my business to. But you'd better make sure you choose your own people to watch your back, because you'll need to trust them. Especially when the dreams get too bad.

Having someone watch my back doesn't do me any good.

[Thankfully, it's written. It can be a simple statement of fact. There will be no record of the bitterness in her. Because she shouldn't be bitter. He'd tried. So he hadn't been fast enough.

It was her fault for relying on that. For getting so cocky, feeling so safe.]

I look out for myself, and I expect everyone else to do the same.

It's what keeps you human. No point surviving if you lose that.

[Too long on your own, not trusting anyone else, it left you little more than a machine, a shell.]

You can't look out for yourself all the time.

That's the only way to survive, not ever letting your guard down.

It's a nice thought. Impossible though.

There are other ways.

Maybe for someone not from Panem.

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