shenevermisses | 11th Throw

[There are too many nightmares. Too many nights spent thrashing herself awake. Sometimes she fully wakes Cato, sometimes she just has to assure him she's okay before he fall back asleep. She's tried to run, she's tried to just go as far as she can, she's tried to roll over and go back to sleep. She can't ignore it, she can't escape it, she can't get over it.

So, late at night or early in the morning, she opens her journal.

She's tired but wide awake. It's a kind of exhaustion, really. She doesn't know how many people will see this, but she wants to ask.]

The Malnosso are always fighting their war, right? There's always battles and killing.

Is there any way to volunteer? To join them? I want to. There has to be a way, so I want to know.

As long as I'm fighting, I don't have nightmares.

[After about two hours, she'll strike out the entire last sentence. It's too private, too personal. It was stupid to ever write it, but at least it will be gone. Some of them have seen it, but she can deny it later. Sort of.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Clove is safe. This is good news to Sakura, even if she had told herself she was sure earlier. Still, this is nothing like what they'd spoken about before...it worries the fighter, definitely. Sakura has been having trouble sleeping after the draft, but it doesn't sound nearly as bad...and she wonders if it has much to do with the draft at all.

Since she's awake, she pens a reply. Her handwriting is very deliberate, very elegant. It's very legible, but it does contrast her brutish appearance. The glow surrounding Sakura's picture isn't electronic; it may be of little importance, but she's writing by candlelight.]

Is that what you truly want, Clove?

Yes.

[There's a lot of pressure put on the pen with that word.

She can't help it. She's hovering at the edge, ready to collapse, ready to lash out.]

Let me guess. You're going to tell me I'm wrong. That I don't know what's good for me. I don't care. I know what I want.

I owe them, and I want to fight for them.

I have made many assumptions in the past, but there is nothing that qualifies me to tell you that you are wrong. I am not you. I only asked if you were certain.

[Clover, that is the closest to a written "calm down, I'm not here for that kind of thing" you're going to get from Sakura. It does, to her, sound more like running away from the problem...but if Clove feels that it is right, then she will not try to convince her otherwise. Not now.]

You are not alone in feeling that you owe them a debt.

[And she's not the only one having nightmares. Sakura hasn't died, but there are still times when she goes to sleep and finds herself trapped.]

[Clove hesitates before responding. She can't keep snapping at allies. But it's been... difficult. A broken alliance with Loki, so much argument from every corner.

Careers don't do apologies, but changing the subject is Clove's version of one.]

I want to repay them for what they've done, and this is the way I'm most useful.

If this is what you feel, then you should go forward without regret. That is the only reason I asked anything at all.

[Does she agree with it? No. Sakura isn't about to run out and offer to help the Malnosso at every turn, not after some things she's seen...but she understands it, at least enough to where she isn't going to judge for it.]

[It takes her a few moments, but the reply comes. The words are simple, but the meaning behind them is very difficult for a Career.]

Thank you.

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