11th Throw - [ written ]

[shenevermisses]

[There are too many nightmares. Too many nights spent thrashing herself awake. Sometimes she fully wakes Cato, sometimes she just has to assure him she's okay before he fall back asleep. She's tried to run, she's tried to just go as far as she can, she's tried to roll over and go back to sleep. She can't ignore it, she can't escape it, she can't get over it.

So, late at night or early in the morning, she opens her journal.

She's tired but wide awake. It's a kind of exhaustion, really. She doesn't know how many people will see this, but she wants to ask.]

The Malnosso are always fighting their war, right? There's always battles and killing.

Is there any way to volunteer? To join them? I want to. There has to be a way, so I want to know.

As long as I'm fighting, I don't have nightmares.

[After about two hours, she'll strike out the entire last sentence. It's too private, too personal. It was stupid to ever write it, but at least it will be gone. Some of them have seen it, but she can deny it later. Sort of.]

Comments

[written / filtered 50%]

[stillplaying]

[She can feel the anger bubbling up inside of her, an almost uncharacteristic hatred of the other girl right now. She shouldn't feel like this. Clove has done nothing to provoke her ire. Not really. She just... believed in her. Believed in her like every other idiot that Katniss got killed.

In a way, she had been responsible for Clove's death in the arena. If the other girl hadn't been so intent on killing her, hadn't been so intent on making the kill hurt by bringing up Rue, maybe Thresh wouldn't have gone after Clove right away. Maybe she wouldn't have been distracted. Maybe she would have been able to run.

She won't be responsible for Clove's death again. For any reason.]

Luceti can find a new Mockingjay.

[And with that, she closes the journal before she says anything she might really regret.]