Clove (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
shenevermisses) wrote2012-11-10 06:01 pm
shenevermisses) wrote2012-11-10 06:01 pm
11th Throw - [ written ]
[There are too many nightmares. Too many nights spent thrashing herself awake. Sometimes she fully wakes Cato, sometimes she just has to assure him she's okay before he fall back asleep. She's tried to run, she's tried to just go as far as she can, she's tried to roll over and go back to sleep. She can't ignore it, she can't escape it, she can't get over it.
So, late at night or early in the morning, she opens her journal.
She's tired but wide awake. It's a kind of exhaustion, really. She doesn't know how many people will see this, but she wants to ask.]
The Malnosso are always fighting their war, right? There's always battles and killing.
Is there any way to volunteer? To join them? I want to. There has to be a way, so I want to know.
As long as I'm fighting, I don't have nightmares.
[After about two hours, she'll strike out the entire last sentence. It's too private, too personal. It was stupid to ever write it, but at least it will be gone. Some of them have seen it, but she can deny it later. Sort of.]
So, late at night or early in the morning, she opens her journal.
She's tired but wide awake. It's a kind of exhaustion, really. She doesn't know how many people will see this, but she wants to ask.]
The Malnosso are always fighting their war, right? There's always battles and killing.
Is there any way to volunteer? To join them? I want to. There has to be a way, so I want to know.
As long as I'm fighting, I don't have nightmares.
[After about two hours, she'll strike out the entire last sentence. It's too private, too personal. It was stupid to ever write it, but at least it will be gone. Some of them have seen it, but she can deny it later. Sort of.]
[Nothing]
An alliance broken because he is fine with her killing, with bloodletting, with watching her tear apart enemies. But she can't choose to want to do that. She can't stand with the people who've given her a chance; given her Cato; given her food, shelter, clothes, and weapons; who have given her hope of another purpose in life, something beyond the Games.
Is this what people here are really like?
Perhaps it's not that different from the Games, after all. Perhaps there are no permanent alliances.
She doesn't reply to the message. She doesn't dare.]
[...Voice]
Clove?
[Followed by a softer:]
Have I offended you?
[Voice]
Her voice, though, is curt and cool in the recorded message.]
Of course not.
[Voice]
But when he hears her voice he looks up, raising both eyebrows.
Her words say one thing, her the tone of her voice something else.]
I see, I see. You still need help with the journal of communication?
[Voice]
[Rebuild the walls. Keep the rest of the world out. Be self-sufficient or fail.
That's how being a Career works. She doesn't need an ally.
Friendship and expressing hurt feelings in any way but an increasing rivalry? Are very difficult for her. Almost unknown.]
[Voice]
[He huffs.]
I offended you, yes? And now you refuse to tell me what it is and blame it on hormones and something called a period.
[Voice]
So, there is no reason to pretend there's still an alliance.
You look after yourself, I'll look after myself.
[Voice]
Right.
And I am always right.
[Voice]
If we are thrown into combat against each other, look for no mercy or considerations.
[Because that is how the Career mindset works. Without an alliance, there is no further thought to help anyone but herself. She already prioritizes her survival.
A broken alliance means only she matters.]
[Voice]
So if I am correct you wish me to be your ally only. And you wish me to ally with you to fight on the Malnosso's side? If I chose not to do so you prefer killing me instead.
[Loki shakes his head and frowns.]
Clove of Panem, that is rather infuriating.
[Voice]
You broke this alliance, not me.
[Voice]