11th Throw - [ written ]

[shenevermisses]

[There are too many nightmares. Too many nights spent thrashing herself awake. Sometimes she fully wakes Cato, sometimes she just has to assure him she's okay before he fall back asleep. She's tried to run, she's tried to just go as far as she can, she's tried to roll over and go back to sleep. She can't ignore it, she can't escape it, she can't get over it.

So, late at night or early in the morning, she opens her journal.

She's tired but wide awake. It's a kind of exhaustion, really. She doesn't know how many people will see this, but she wants to ask.]

The Malnosso are always fighting their war, right? There's always battles and killing.

Is there any way to volunteer? To join them? I want to. There has to be a way, so I want to know.

As long as I'm fighting, I don't have nightmares.

[After about two hours, she'll strike out the entire last sentence. It's too private, too personal. It was stupid to ever write it, but at least it will be gone. Some of them have seen it, but she can deny it later. Sort of.]

Comments

[written / filtered 50%]

[stillplaying]

[The written words make it sound like she's capable of anything. That she's the Mockingjay once again. The source of inspiration for a whole nation, the spark that lit the fire of rebellion. She had been something more than herself then. Had done it not as a self-sacrifice but as a selfish ploy to be able to kill the man she hated. And save the boy she now loves.

How people never seemed to see through the disguise, never noticed that she was a selfish, desperate girl determined just to survive, puzzles her. Even Clove, Clove who had tried to kill her in the arena, who had killed her here seemed to believe it. And she had never seen the Mockingjay propos. Not a one.

Maybe it's a good thing that this conversation is written. Katniss can't trust herself to speak aloud right now.]

I didn't do any of that for Panem. I did it for myself. I'm not some hero.

[written / filtered 50%]

[shenevermisses]

Which is why you'll get out.

It's not for them. It's for you. And for him.

[Clove could see the selfishness, yes. But that. That was what made her so certain that Katniss... could survive almost anything thrown at her.

She toppled the Capitol. She can escape the Malnosso. Since she wants to.]

[written / filtered 50%]

[stillplaying]

[She can feel the anger bubbling up inside of her, an almost uncharacteristic hatred of the other girl right now. She shouldn't feel like this. Clove has done nothing to provoke her ire. Not really. She just... believed in her. Believed in her like every other idiot that Katniss got killed.

In a way, she had been responsible for Clove's death in the arena. If the other girl hadn't been so intent on killing her, hadn't been so intent on making the kill hurt by bringing up Rue, maybe Thresh wouldn't have gone after Clove right away. Maybe she wouldn't have been distracted. Maybe she would have been able to run.

She won't be responsible for Clove's death again. For any reason.]

Luceti can find a new Mockingjay.

[And with that, she closes the journal before she says anything she might really regret.]