18th Throw - [ voice ]

[shenevermisses]

I think the weirdest part about being here -- the part I'm never really going to get used to -- is having time.

[There's no Career act today, so Clove doesn't bother with the video. She doesn't want to have to smile when she feels... weird.

Not good, not bad. Just weird.

It's what happens, she's pretty sure, when she thinks too much.]

I didn't get that where I was from. In the Academy, the days were scheduled. Even when we didn't have classes -- like when we'd sometimes go home for the weekend -- I sort of just... kept that schedule. I didn't know what else to do. I even still sort of do.

But... here... we've got time.

Maybe a little, maybe a lot. But it's time.

[She's rambling, and she knows it, but the thought's been weighing on her for awhile. It's something that keeps getting stirred up every time she thinks it's gone.]

So. Let's say there's something you wanted to do where you came from. You know you can't go back; you'll never get to do it there.

Would you... do it here? Because you can and because you have the time to do it.

Comments

[dangerouswind]

No, and we don't know how long anyone else is here for.

[shenevermisses]

Yeah.

I'm used to... knowing I don't have a lot of time. So doing anything to plan for, like, next year? Is still weird. Even if I might not be here then, I might.

[dangerouswind]

So you're going to plan for something that might happen.

[shenevermisses]

Right. And it's... it's nice to have that time, you know? I'm just... still getting used to it. Or trying to.

[dangerouswind]

Even uncertain, unpromised time? You can't really say that you have it. Just a possibility of having it.

[shenevermisses]

...Well, Luceti's all I've got. There's no going back to where I'm from, so... whatever I've got here's what I've got.

The uncertainty's... definitely something I worry about. With... trying to do anything big or anything.

[dangerouswind]

So it's a choice: live with either regret or uncertainty.

[shenevermisses]

Yeah. Not sure if I like it or not, but... That's basically it.

[dangerouswind]

I guess either way, you're still living with uncertainty.

[shenevermisses]

Yeah. Which is why it's hard to just... do it. I mean. I'm not used to this. I make a decision, and I go with it. That's what I've always been taught. But...

Maybe having time isn't such a good thing.

[dangerouswind]

Spend too much time thinking about it and you'll end up regretting anyway.

[shenevermisses]

...Yeah, sounds about right.

[dangerouswind]

So might as well just do what you're thinking of, right?

[shenevermisses]

Yeah, probably. Just... Kind of had to talk myself through it, you know? Get some input.

[dangerouswind]

You usually have to talk yourself into things?

[shenevermisses]

Sort of. I'm used to... having to make a decision right away. Not having time to think. And so when I know it's something that I really need to think about, I... sort of have to talk myself through it. Get other people involved so I have to think about it.

It's... a pretty new process for me, I guess.

[dangerouswind]

Sounds like wartime mentality.

[shenevermisses]

...Something like that, yeah.

[dangerouswind]

Tell me about it?

[shenevermisses]

I think like that because... where I'm from, we've had the Hunger Games. Two kids -- boy and girl -- from each of the twelve districts go into an arena for combat, and one comes out alive as the victor. I was trained for them and went to the 74th games.

So... I'm not used to having time to think. Every decision... was life and death.

[dangerouswind]

So did you win? [Most insensitive question ever. She knows.]