18th Throw - [ voice ]

[shenevermisses]

I think the weirdest part about being here -- the part I'm never really going to get used to -- is having time.

[There's no Career act today, so Clove doesn't bother with the video. She doesn't want to have to smile when she feels... weird.

Not good, not bad. Just weird.

It's what happens, she's pretty sure, when she thinks too much.]

I didn't get that where I was from. In the Academy, the days were scheduled. Even when we didn't have classes -- like when we'd sometimes go home for the weekend -- I sort of just... kept that schedule. I didn't know what else to do. I even still sort of do.

But... here... we've got time.

Maybe a little, maybe a lot. But it's time.

[She's rambling, and she knows it, but the thought's been weighing on her for awhile. It's something that keeps getting stirred up every time she thinks it's gone.]

So. Let's say there's something you wanted to do where you came from. You know you can't go back; you'll never get to do it there.

Would you... do it here? Because you can and because you have the time to do it.

Comments

[voice]

[shenevermisses]

Well. It hurts, doesn't it? If you try to do something you really want to, and it doesn't work.

Re: [voice]

[noitatnacni]

Oh! That makes sense. And yeah, it can. But that doesn't mean it's not worth trying. If something hurts that much if you fail, it'll probably feel great if you succeed.

Plus, depending on what it is, you could always try again. It can take a lot of practice to get something to work the way you want.

[voice]

[shenevermisses]

Yeah. I guess... I'm just... I don't know. This isn't the kind of thing I'm used to. Having time to think about doing things just for me.

Re: [voice]

[noitatnacni]

That doesn't mean you shouldn't, though. Everyone needs to treat themselves every now and then.

And if you're that nervous, you could always ask if other people have done it. Maybe you could get some advice that way.

[voice]

[shenevermisses]

That's... sort of what I'm trying to do, I guess. Find out if other people have done stuff like it. Big stuff for themselves and all. Y'know?

Re: [voice]

[noitatnacni]

I kind of meant asking in a more specific way. I mean, big stuff for one person might not be the same for everyone else. I know some people who think it’s huge to change their hair style, and other people who don’t even think about stuff like that.

But I get the gist of what you’re saying. You want to make a change, and that’s scary. I’d still do it though.

[voice]

[shenevermisses]

I... might. I... think I'd like to. Just. I want to be sure.

Re: [voice]

[noitatnacni]

It’s really hard to be sure of something that big. The question is, do you want it more than you’re afraid of it?

[voice]

[shenevermisses]

I don't know. [Which is what it really comes down to. A seventeen-year-old girl trying to make a decision without anyone she can go to for advice.]

Re: [voice]

[noitatnacni]

Hate to point it out like this, but no one else is going to know either. You’ve got to choose for yourself.

[voice]

[shenevermisses]

I know.

That doesn't make it any easier.

Re: [voice]

[noitatnacni]

Yeah.

Good luck? Whatever you decide.

[voice]

[shenevermisses]

...Thanks.