shenevermisses | 11th Throw

11th Throw - [ written ]

[There are too many nightmares. Too many nights spent thrashing herself awake. Sometimes she fully wakes Cato, sometimes she just has to assure him she's okay before he fall back asleep. She's tried to run, she's tried to just go as far as she can, she's tried to roll over and go back to sleep. She can't ignore it, she can't escape it, she can't get over it.

So, late at night or early in the morning, she opens her journal.

She's tired but wide awake. It's a kind of exhaustion, really. She doesn't know how many people will see this, but she wants to ask.]

The Malnosso are always fighting their war, right? There's always battles and killing.

Is there any way to volunteer? To join them? I want to. There has to be a way, so I want to know.

As long as I'm fighting, I don't have nightmares.

[After about two hours, she'll strike out the entire last sentence. It's too private, too personal. It was stupid to ever write it, but at least it will be gone. Some of them have seen it, but she can deny it later. Sort of.]

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We do not owe them anything. They provide us with shelter, food and everything we need because they use us for their experiments. We do not choose to receive these goods, they are given to us to make sure we stay healthy and thus very useful guinean pigs.

[He filters his journal now, just in case.]

One cannot survive without a shelter or food.

But when one of us dies and is useless to the Malnosso's causes they receive punishment. I do not see anything fair in this, Clove.

And being on their side promises no nightmares?

The Malnosso are more generous than the people in charge of the world I come from. Their experiments hurt, sometimes, but they aren't like my world. We have more freedom here than I ever did in Panem, and the fighting isn't the same at all.

I like it here. I don't mind the experiments. Twice, their experiments let me sleep the whole night, inside. No nightmares.

If other people want to oppose them or leave, I don't care. I don't want to. I want to be useful to them. I want them to see me as useful.

You do realize that your nightmares come forth out of something they planned, right?

[Yet he understands where she comes from. The Village isn't bad, the land of Luceti isn't bad either.]

They probably know that. And they probably use that.

Their experiments hurt. And hurt is something extremely icky and gross.

My nightmares aren't about Luceti or the drafts or the missions. They're about my world.

[She considers it for a moment and has a few failed attempts.]

This [nope]

This [not that either]

This [Success!] is the world I'm from.

People here can choose not to fight, even if they're sent. The experiments don't last. We can ally and fight together.

In Panem? On the last draft? I would have had to kill you or you would have had to kill me for one of us to come back. And then it would have been only that one, no one else.

That puts things in another perspective, indeed. And I shall have to teach you how to look up things quicker, yes? I am most excellent at devices used for communication.

[He takes his time to read Clove's entry. It sounds rather of a post-apocalyptic type of Midgard. One where madness ruled, apparently. And one that went back to very, very old traditions. After all, weren't gladiator-like games a very Roman thing to do. And children are not fitting for such games. It is utmost cruel.]

I see. Clove, I figure you are not one for pity, so I shall refrain from that. But compared to your realm I figure that Asgard resemblese more to some sort of tropical paradise and the occasional beatings I used to receive can be reduced to mere friendly greetings.

If it means anything, you were an excellent ally.

Edited (wrong icon) 2012-11-11 18:40 (UTC)

District Two does not have much by the way of technology. Not like this.

I would appreciate the help in using this thing better.

[She won't reply to his remark about pity. No, she doesn't want pity. There is nothing to pity. She was entered into the Hunger Games and lost. Twenty-two other tributes died, too. Cato died. She made it into the final six, she represented her district. Her death was humiliating, but that was worthy of scorn, not pity.

Nothing in her life should inspire pity.]

Perhaps we'll find ourselves side-by-side again if they send us into another fight at the same time. I'd like that.

I am very good at coming to one's aid so that would be no problem at all.

[He notices that and also decides not to bring it up anymore. Clove of Panem is not one for pity. Then Loki shall not provide pity.]

Aye. It would be very pleasant. But I am not sure if we would be on the same side, though, considering your alliance.

Still, if you wish to do something else instead of fighting, I shall gift you the gift of great friendship.

:-D

[So. That's what it comes down to, is it?

An alliance broken because he is fine with her killing, with bloodletting, with watching her tear apart enemies. But she can't choose to want to do that. She can't stand with the people who've given her a chance; given her Cato; given her food, shelter, clothes, and weapons; who have given her hope of another purpose in life, something beyond the Games.

Is this what people here are really like?

Perhaps it's not that different from the Games, after all. Perhaps there are no permanent alliances.

She doesn't reply to the message. She doesn't dare.]

[When Clove doesn't reply Loki isn't thinking much of it at first. Maybe she had to get a drink, or some food, or something Midgardians did. But when it takes longer he ponders the probability that he has offended her...]

Clove?

[Followed by a softer:]

Have I offended you?

Edited 2012-11-13 08:40 (UTC)

[It's actually a couple of hours -- called back to bed by Cato and able to drift off for a short while -- before Clove responds.

Her voice, though, is curt and cool in the recorded message.]

Of course not.

[When she isn't responding for a long time Loki decides to do more reading up and trying to teach Thori how to roll over (which ended up in a couple of burned books instead).

But when he hears her voice he looks up, raising both eyebrows.

Her words say one thing, her the tone of her voice something else.]

I see, I see. You still need help with the journal of communication?

I'll manage.

[Rebuild the walls. Keep the rest of the world out. Be self-sufficient or fail.

That's how being a Career works. She doesn't need an ally.

Friendship and expressing hurt feelings in any way but an increasing rivalry? Are very difficult for her. Almost unknown.]

Your words are contradicting. That might imply you are a very, very bad liar.

[He huffs.]

I offended you, yes? And now you refuse to tell me what it is and blame it on hormones and something called a period.

You've made it pretty clear that our alliance doesn't stand if I side with the Malnosso. And I do.

So, there is no reason to pretend there's still an alliance.

You look after yourself, I'll look after myself.

An alliance differs from the concept of friendship. That we are not on the same side does not mean we have to dislike eachother, right?

Right.

And I am always right.

I don't have friends. I have alliances.

If we are thrown into combat against each other, look for no mercy or considerations.

[Because that is how the Career mindset works. Without an alliance, there is no further thought to help anyone but herself. She already prioritizes her survival.

A broken alliance means only she matters.]

That you are a merciless fighter is not something I have forgotten, no.

So if I am correct you wish me to be your ally only. And you wish me to ally with you to fight on the Malnosso's side? If I chose not to do so you prefer killing me instead.

[Loki shakes his head and frowns.]

Clove of Panem, that is rather infuriating.

I didn't say I'd prefer killing you. I just said I wouldn't think twice about doing it if I had to. Because you're the one who said that if we went on another draft, we might not be on the same side. Just because I support the Malnosso.

You broke this alliance, not me.

I have not broken anything. I do not wish to fight on the side of the Malnosso. You wish not to fight on the side of most people in this village. The alliance will be broken when that moment arrives.

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11th Throw - [ written ]

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