27th Throw - [ written - private from Cato ]

[shenevermisses]

[The arguing with Cato has been... difficult. So has trying to get her head on right. The last draft reminded her what she's good at, but it also reminded her that she's only good at that.

Doing a bit of cleaning and organizing? Meant she found a stuffed bear and picture she'd hidden a long time ago. A picture from the world in which she and Cato won the Games and were crowned co-Victors.

Where she had a baby girl.]

I always wanted kids.

That was my plan at the Academy, actually. Before the Reaping.

I was going to graduate, take over my dad's job as foreman of the marble quarry near our village, get married, and have kids. I always wanted at least two. A boy and a girl.

A couple shifts here gave me part of that.

I hadn't died in my world, and I had a daughter.

[A pause, and she writes a correction.]

We hadn't died. We had a daughter.

Just before I left my District, my mom found out she was pregnant. I went home that weekend to see my parents, and they were getting along better than ever. They actually seemed to like being around each other.

Maybe kids help.

[Maybe kids would help.]

Comments

[shenevermisses]

[Sometimes the memories are so clear. The memories of what never happened. Of Elpis, of the nursery, of the interviews, of the nights spent ill, the days spent crying. And that little girl at the end of it.]

How do you know you have the right partner?

[She'd gladly live under the eyes of the Capitol again. To have the family she doesn't get in Panem.

But Luceti is a different creature. Things were different in the world that wasn't. They hadn't died; he hadn't been too late. They were different people than they are.]

[notsosolo]

First you look at your life with the person. And look at it without them. And decided which is the life you really want.

[But that's about who you marry. Kids, well]

Are they someone you can trust to have your back? That you can weather the bad times with? Because there will be times when neither of you have slept more than two hours at a time and one of you is covered in spit up and the baby is still crying and you can't figure out why. Are they the sort of person you think you can do that with?

A lot of it just comes down to feel. I never felt like the get married, settle down, raise a bunch of kids sort. But with my wife it just felt so right. Like we really did have a future together.

[shenevermisses]

[There's a long pause. A very, very long pause. Because, well, she heard it all, yes, but only one question really stuck with her.

Are they someone you can trust to have your back?

The memories make it hard, and there's a bit of sound. She's still there, trying to bring herself back under control. Not lose herself in the fear and anger that still coils around her insides when she thinks about the Games.

When she remembers how she died. Screaming for help that came too late.

When she remembers every time here she's needed help, and he hasn't been there.]

No.

[The single word comes out, quiet and unsteady.]

He'd protect his child.

But not me.

[notsosolo]

Is that what you really want in a partner? You have to be a team, when you're raising kids. If you can't trust each other, you can't be that team.

[shenevermisses]

Why not? [She actually sounds pretty sincere in that question.] If I trust that he'll do what his child needs and protect his child, why does it matter if I trust him with my life?

[notsosolo]

Because raising children isn't nearly as simple as a life or death situation. You have to be able to trust each other with your future. And when your relationship isn't strong, kids pick up on that. What kind of environment is that for a child?

[shenevermisses]

I don't know. I don't know the first thing about raising a kid.

[notsosolo]

No one ever does. That's why you want a partner you can figure things out with.

[shenevermisses]

Never thought the Games would be easier than getting along outside them.

[notsosolo]

The Games?

[He's guessing not the fun sort]

[shenevermisses]

Oh. [Right. Not commonplace.] A... competition Cato and I were both in.

[notsosolo]

Nothing pleasant, from the sound of it.

[shenevermisses]

Twenty-four go in, one comes out.

[notsosolo]

Kriffing hells.

[He looks her over]

You're barely more than a kid.

[Every parental instinct in his body bristles against the thought]

[shenevermisses]

Tributes are all aged twelve to eighteen.

I was sixteen.

[notsosolo]

And I thought the Empire did some kriffed up things.

[Well, they did. How many children had died on Alderaan? This is a new brand of sick and twisted though.]

[shenevermisses]

It's their way of keeping peace. It... worked for a long time.

[notsosolo]

Anything that extreme backfires sooner or later.

[shenevermisses]

It worked for seventy-five years, at least. After that, there was a war again.

[notsosolo]

There would be. I'm surprised it took that long.

[shenevermisses]

The Games came about because of a brutal war. No one wanted another.

[notsosolo]

That's where the Empire came from.

We wound up in another one within decades anyway.

[But what option had they had? Let them keep destroying planets?]

[shenevermisses]

I'm kind of sorry I didn't get to see it. The war, I mean.