27th Throw - [ written - private from Cato ]

[shenevermisses]

[The arguing with Cato has been... difficult. So has trying to get her head on right. The last draft reminded her what she's good at, but it also reminded her that she's only good at that.

Doing a bit of cleaning and organizing? Meant she found a stuffed bear and picture she'd hidden a long time ago. A picture from the world in which she and Cato won the Games and were crowned co-Victors.

Where she had a baby girl.]

I always wanted kids.

That was my plan at the Academy, actually. Before the Reaping.

I was going to graduate, take over my dad's job as foreman of the marble quarry near our village, get married, and have kids. I always wanted at least two. A boy and a girl.

A couple shifts here gave me part of that.

I hadn't died in my world, and I had a daughter.

[A pause, and she writes a correction.]

We hadn't died. We had a daughter.

Just before I left my District, my mom found out she was pregnant. I went home that weekend to see my parents, and they were getting along better than ever. They actually seemed to like being around each other.

Maybe kids help.

[Maybe kids would help.]

Comments

[layersoflies]

I'm not so sure that's the right idea...having a baby doesn't fix problems if you're having a problem in your marriage or your relationship. Not that I know what's going on with you or your family, but it's just a band aid. Baby bliss might distract from the real problems, but it doesn't fix them and as soon as the stress from child rearing becomes real, whatever those problems are will just come back, probably worse than they were...and now you've got a child in the middle of it.

[shenevermisses]

A kid means there's no walking away.

[In her world. Then again, most marriages she knows are more business arrangements than anything else. A child is the final step of that, a permanent knot to bind the two parties together.]

[layersoflies]

Only if both parents feel obligated or there's a problem with resources, otherwise that's not a guarantee. It's also not a guarantee of love...ideally you want the person to stay with you because they want to stay with you, not because you're trapping them with an obligation. That just engenders resentment which makes for a bad situation all around down the road.

[shenevermisses]

Marriage isn't about love. It's about pooling resources with a person you can stand to live with and who has physical qualities you want to pass on to your children.

[layersoflies]

That's a social issue, I take it you live in an oppressive society? I don't live in an oppressive society so love is high on the list of qualities. Entrapment means spending your nights awake wondering if the person besides you resents you for it and is plotting 101 ways to kill you in your sleep so that they can get away without having to pay alimony.

[shenevermisses]

I wouldn't call District Two oppressive. Some of the outlying districts might [do; she knows they do, knows they have good reason, thanks to Twelve] think that, but Two doesn't.

And every district views marriage differently. The outlying ones? Where they think the government's more "oppressive"? Are the ones who tend to marry for love. So, sounds like the way your world works isn't the same as the way mine does.

[layersoflies]

If your...district...isn't oppressed, then why can't you choose the basis of marriage. It sounds like you are limited by a bracket of qualities for a specific reason.

Sounds like it.

[notsosolo]

Kids... they change everything. Not just how your life goes. The whole way you look at the world changes once you have these tiny little people depending on you to take care of them and teach them.

Kids are amazing. But I'd be careful about saying they help. They're a lot of work and it's for the long haul. But when you're ready for it and you have the right partner, it's worth all that.

[He's so completely and utterly in love with his family.]

[shenevermisses]

[Sometimes the memories are so clear. The memories of what never happened. Of Elpis, of the nursery, of the interviews, of the nights spent ill, the days spent crying. And that little girl at the end of it.]

How do you know you have the right partner?

[She'd gladly live under the eyes of the Capitol again. To have the family she doesn't get in Panem.

But Luceti is a different creature. Things were different in the world that wasn't. They hadn't died; he hadn't been too late. They were different people than they are.]

[notsosolo]

First you look at your life with the person. And look at it without them. And decided which is the life you really want.

[But that's about who you marry. Kids, well]

Are they someone you can trust to have your back? That you can weather the bad times with? Because there will be times when neither of you have slept more than two hours at a time and one of you is covered in spit up and the baby is still crying and you can't figure out why. Are they the sort of person you think you can do that with?

A lot of it just comes down to feel. I never felt like the get married, settle down, raise a bunch of kids sort. But with my wife it just felt so right. Like we really did have a future together.

[shenevermisses]

[There's a long pause. A very, very long pause. Because, well, she heard it all, yes, but only one question really stuck with her.

Are they someone you can trust to have your back?

The memories make it hard, and there's a bit of sound. She's still there, trying to bring herself back under control. Not lose herself in the fear and anger that still coils around her insides when she thinks about the Games.

When she remembers how she died. Screaming for help that came too late.

When she remembers every time here she's needed help, and he hasn't been there.]

No.

[The single word comes out, quiet and unsteady.]

He'd protect his child.

But not me.

[notsosolo]

Is that what you really want in a partner? You have to be a team, when you're raising kids. If you can't trust each other, you can't be that team.

[shenevermisses]

Why not? [She actually sounds pretty sincere in that question.] If I trust that he'll do what his child needs and protect his child, why does it matter if I trust him with my life?

( Video )

[padme_amidala]

( This entry tugs at her attention and she closes her eyes. No, kids aren't the answer. Clove needs to know that. )

Having children is no way to repair a relationship.

( Video )

[shenevermisses]

Seemed to work for my parents.

[And, after a moment:]

We were happy. With our little girl.

( Video )

[padme_amidala]

There must have been other reasons your parents found happiness. Children are oftentimes difficult - even when they are surrounded by love and attention. Without solidity, patience and loyalty, a relationship likely won't withstand the strain children naturally bring with them.

They are separate people. They are not solutions.

( Video )

[shenevermisses]

Neither of us are very good at the 'patience' thing.

[Solidity and loyalty? Well. Depends on how those are defined, actually.

She sighs.]

...Just always wanted a family, you know? I knew exactly how it was supposed to go, and... nothing went that way.

( Video )

[padme_amidala]

I know how you feel. ( No, really, she does. ) I wanted to be a mother when I fell in love. I had never thought about it before then, though I had always loved my little sisters.

( Video )

[shenevermisses]

[She pauses again, considering for a moment.]

What's it like? Being in love?

[Video]

[fashionably_strong]

[She considers asking if Cato's taken her on the picnic yet...but she doesn't want to betray Cato's trust since it doesn't seem likely that he did.]

I think talking would help with fixing problems. Maybe marriage counseling with one of the more experienced adults here, if you need someone to help guide the two of you along and mediate. Or you could go with relationship counseling with younger people in a long term relationship, possibly.

[Video]

[shenevermisses]

We really don't do the whole... talking... thing.

[Video]

[fashionably_strong]

It might be a good time to start. It's a lot less drastic than having a baby...and having kids is something you should probably talk about rather than just let happen, anyway.

[Video]

[shenevermisses]

Not like I know anything about raising a kid anyway.

I just... Always wanted to have a family, you know?

[Video]

[fashionably_strong]

Yeah, I can understand that. I'd like to have kids eventually. Just...not anytime soon.

[One thought occurs to her, though.]

There are a few moms and dads in Luceti who probably wouldn't mind giving you some parental advice when you need it. My dad's here and I think my brother and I turned out pretty well.

[Video]

[shenevermisses]

I'll keep that in mind if we do have kids.