shenevermisses | 27th Throw - [ written

[The arguing with Cato has been... difficult. So has trying to get her head on right. The last draft reminded her what she's good at, but it also reminded her that she's only good at that.

Doing a bit of cleaning and organizing? Meant she found a stuffed bear and picture she'd hidden a long time ago. A picture from the world in which she and Cato won the Games and were crowned co-Victors.

Where she had a baby girl.]

I always wanted kids.

That was my plan at the Academy, actually. Before the Reaping.

I was going to graduate, take over my dad's job as foreman of the marble quarry near our village, get married, and have kids. I always wanted at least two. A boy and a girl.

A couple shifts here gave me part of that.

I hadn't died in my world, and I had a daughter.

[A pause, and she writes a correction.]

We hadn't died. We had a daughter.

Just before I left my District, my mom found out she was pregnant. I went home that weekend to see my parents, and they were getting along better than ever. They actually seemed to like being around each other.

Maybe kids help.

[Maybe kids would help.]

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Seemed to work for my parents.

[And, after a moment:]

We were happy. With our little girl.

There must have been other reasons your parents found happiness. Children are oftentimes difficult - even when they are surrounded by love and attention. Without solidity, patience and loyalty, a relationship likely won't withstand the strain children naturally bring with them.

They are separate people. They are not solutions.

Neither of us are very good at the 'patience' thing.

[Solidity and loyalty? Well. Depends on how those are defined, actually.

She sighs.]

...Just always wanted a family, you know? I knew exactly how it was supposed to go, and... nothing went that way.

I know how you feel. ( No, really, she does. ) I wanted to be a mother when I fell in love. I had never thought about it before then, though I had always loved my little sisters.

[She pauses again, considering for a moment.]

What's it like? Being in love?

Wonderful...

And terrifying.

( She has lived a life where she has had some control over her actions, but falling in love has made her...less logical and far more emotional. There's a freedom to it - in trusting another so completely - yet isn't that scary too? )

But what's it like?

How do you know when you're in love?

Have you never loved before? ( It's a kind question - not mocking. ) Love, for me, is need. I need to see him; to know he's safe and happy; to spend time with him. He's...almost another part of me - a part I didn't know was missing until he was there.

Before him, my focus was on politics. I barely stopped to consider opening my heart to anyone. ( Oh she dated then, but the relationships - if you can call them that - never lasted. ) Once I did, I finally felt...happy. Whole.

Edited 2014-08-20 23:46 (UTC)

I don't know if I have.

[It's a fairly simple answer. She doesn't take the question to be mocking; she knows how that sounds.]

I need him. To spend time with him. To know where he is. For him to be alive. And I feel whole. I always knew I did, once we started talking. I knew I needed to be with him and that he was so much like me.

But we don't make each other happy. We argue a lot.

Happiness isn't always easy to find - even when love is present. What do you argue about if you don't mind me asking?

Lately? Everything.

[Which is frustrating.]

He's hiding something from me. And something happened to him that... I don't understand. So that doesn't help.

There's no walking away, so... we argue.

You need to confront him - calmly. If he is trying to protect you by keeping the truth from you, trust that it might be difficult for you to hear.

( She has kept things from Anakin - until recently. And the wounds are raw. )

Edited 2014-08-20 23:56 (UTC)

...The last time we tried "calm," we ended up in the Battle Dome, bleeding.

Neither of us is really good at that.

Maybe you're not as good for one another as you first thought.

( Like she can talk. She is a woman who openly loves a man who chokes her unconscious. )

Give him time and space.

Well, like I said -- there's no walking away. We're married.

[And like Hell she'd walk away even if she felt like she could. It's Cato. Her Cato.]

27th Throw - [ written - private from Cato ]

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